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Mrs Honeyman went on and on and on and on about the injustice of it all.

Violence erupted in the sleepy backwater of Trumpton last night following the announcement that the fire station would be closed and services provided by Fireman Sam Plc from CBBC. Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub are being offered new terms of pay and conditions if they move stations, but Captain Flack will have to take early retirement.

This seems to have been the straw that broke the camel’s back in the eyes of many residents following the steady creep of sell-offs and cut-backs in the former idyll since the 1970s. In early clashes between rioters and the police, the bandstand was overturned and Mr Crockett’s garage set ablaze amongst scenes of general destruction and anarchy across Trumptonshire.

Local resident Brackett explained the people’s anger. ‘I’d been in the employment as butler and footplate man to Lord Belbough for sixty years, man and boy’ he raged, ‘but up comes an offer from Marriott to turn Winkstead Hall into a fancy country hotel and golf course and I’m out on my arse without a by your leave.’

The town’s social infrastructure is at breaking point, with further proposed reforms making matters worse as Dr Mopp threatening to strike over the latest NHS changes. Local industry has also been hit as the Chigley biscuit factory, for decades the largest local employer, is set to close as new owners Kraft move production of Trumpton Crunchies to Poland. Production has also ceased at Colly’s Mill, which was part way through conversion into a set of luxury flats when the housing bubble burst, bankrupting Windy Miller and leaving the mill as a derelict eyesore on the edge of town. Camberwick Green railway station was lost as well after Bessie the engine was stolen for her scrap metal value and has now been demolished to make way for a new Tesco superstore.

Captain Snort and the boys from Pipin Fort have been trying to restore order, but are struggling due to recent casualties in Afghanistan. During a pitched battle for control of the town square, local anarchist Mrs Cobbit summed up the true feelings of the residents. ‘It’s disgraceful that the mayor should still have a chauffer driven car given all the sacrifices that other people are having to make’ she grumbled before lobbing a petrol bomb at PC McGarry (number 452).

Immunis (hat tip to Half-man Half-biscuit)

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